My Next Career
I take this special day, Elvis's birthday to announce my lifelong desired career goal. I have always wanted to be a HIGHWAY ADVANCE MAN FOR MANUFACTURERS OF MOBILE HOMES. There is a certain leadership flair in this career that few other offer. To lead a double-wide down the highway in a special vehicle would be a dream come true for me. I shall attempt to point out the highlights of such a career:
The driver and the attire: The driver, of course, must be an experienced hot-rodder from high school days and have many notches on his steering wheel from midnight glories won. He would have long sideburns and rather longish hair. He would wear Elvis wrap-around sunglasses and a white long-sleeve nylon shirt with the top three buttons open and the sleeves rolled up two rolls. His belt would be white with a large whoop-ass buckle and his pants would be snagged polyester. He would wear worn lizard-skin boots and a cowboy hat of choice. A tooth or two would be missing in the front, or perhaps a gold tooth, would be keeping with the advance man image.
The Vehicle: The vehicle, of course, is the centerpiece of the work. All eyes will be aware of this gem. It would be a 20 year old gold-colored Cadillac Eldorado (herein after called "The Eldo") with a continental kit. No tires or wheels would match. On the four fenders of "The Eldo" would be four badly frayed red flags on mounted poles. There would be large red flashing lights on the front fenders and a blue light would be mounted over the driver's head. A large chrome siren would be mounded on the left front fender and two spotlights would be on each corner of the windshield. On top, in the center would be a large bull-horn for making all kinds of utterances and there would be at least six antennas on the back of "The Eldo". The piece-de-resistance would be a large rebel flag on the rear window.
The Work: You would be in charge of clearing the road of all impediments and warning oncoming traffic of the precious cargo following behind you. With all equipment going, you would bully, curse, beg, congeal, and otherwise warn by bullhorn of the consequences of failure to run for cover.
The Goal: After starting at the bottom, I would hope to work up the ladder of success quickly. They say that a man who loves his job is hard to keep down. After a few years I visualize my obtaining the ultimate task, that of advance man for the largest mobile home ever built, and delivering it to downtown Manhattan. Going through the Lincoln tunnel, around times square and the U.N. Bldg., and pulling up in front of the Empire State bldg. in "The Eldo" with all guns blazing away. There would be live T.V., CNN and radio coverage. I would be interviewed, glorified and perhaps defied and how proud my family would be.
Oh, the glory of it all... I would then retire back to my beloved bootheel in Missouri and bask in the glories of what I've accomplished.... ahhhhhh...